Things I Learned in a Weekend…
… But will take longer to undo.
This is a Part Two post to my review of Committed as well as a response to Codependent No More.
Saying “I am not in control of that” is not the same as being helpless.
Counting is not productive.
Trying harder sometimes doesn’t offer results, but rather drives you a little nuts.
I am allowed to have contradicting feelings as long as I am honest about both and do not bury the less favorable/ moral one. A feeling is not a decision. But bottling feelings and under-reacting to things that hurt your feelings can turn into a very foolish and very public behavioral issue similar to a train wreck or a volcano that kills an entire village.
“What am I to conclude when my grandmother says that the happiest decision of her life was giving up everything for her husband and children but then says – in the very next breath – that she doesn’t want me making the same choice? I’m not really sure how to reconcile this, except to believe that somehow both these statements are true and authentic, even as they seem to utterly contradict on another. I believe that a woman who has lived as long as my grandmother should be allowed some contradictions and mysteries. Like most of us, this woman contains multitudes. Besides, when it comes to the subject of women and marriage, easy conclusions are difficult to come by, and enigmas litter the road in every direction.” – from Elizabeth Gilbert’s Committed.
I can’t control other peoples’ thoughts and feelings. Nor, if I’m to be honest do I want to. What I decide for them takes away from me making healthy decisions for myself.
Other people making a decision I do not like is not a slight on me as a human. I am still in tact. I can say my piece in peace without expecting them to bend to my will. In fact, I want to enjoy the freedom of talking out my feelings knowing that it does not change the outcome of life. My words won’t make or break the world and the people in it. I am not that powerful. I don’t want to be that powerful. I want other people to feel comfortable making their decisions based on what they need. Would I like for them to consider my feelings when they choose to follow that decision? Yes. Do I want my feelings to be the basis of their decision? No. God, no.
What I want and what I need are allowed to be out of sync sometimes, as long as I take time to process my wants and needs in a calm manner without panic – without drama – and without superfluous descriptions. As a writer I am apt to take a small situation and find the epic, extraordinary, or devastation in it. As a survivor I take big things that may actually be epic, extraordinary, or devastating, and belittle them – act as though they are nothing. (Someone dies, I roll with the punches. Someone says something irritating, I come out swinging. It doesn’t make sense. It has been a long running joke among many of my friends that I’m the girl you need at a funeral. I’m the girl you need in a physical crisis, on the battlefield even. Put me in a room of people having a good time, and suddenly I’m twitchy.)
These are things I used to know, and for various reasons, I have lost sight of. These are things that I need to remind myself daily, if not hourly.
So my newest truth above all – there is no shame in reading self-help books and memoirs by people who have a very different world view from yourself. There is no shame in believing that, “this woman should not be condemned or judged for wanting what she wants.” In fact that’s a very beautiful belief.
Finding balance is the hard part. When does what you want step on what someone else wants and needs? When does what you want need to be suppressed and when does it warrant being spoken? My understanding of this balance is erratic at best.
Making a very open attempt to find this balance has been interesting too (I say this as though I’m well seasoned at the effort that I’ve been making for a whole of four days). I am diving into all this for myself. Go back a few blog posts and you may notice my sanity attempting to escape me. Yet, it hasn’t just begun to calm me, it’s helped me stop and smell the roses.
Roses that, though not real physical red petals and thorny stems, are more present than I supposed.
Roses like: I actually get more done when I am busy acting instead of busy reacting. Roses like: when I attempt to be as direct as I once was my husband attempts to woo me like he once did. This is nice. I’ll take that rose. Yet, I am not being direct so that he will woo me, I am being direct because I need to be, the wooing is just a happy accident. And, for once, wanting to be wooed doesn’t sound like an act of selfishness – it sounds like an act of being feminine. Yes, I’ll admit that typing those words were difficult, that in that admission I nearly panicked.
I don’t have all the answers. In fact, I have pretty much no answers. The only answer that I do have is that I hope to be less self-destructive this year than last year. I hope to be more open, but less vulnerable.
This year, I plan to internalize something that’s been hanging in my own Grandmother’s kitchen my whole life…
God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And wisdom to know the difference.
Be patient with me, God is not finished with me yet. And, I’m not done reading this book!
Committed – Part One
Title: Committed
Author: Elizabeth Gilbert
Genre: Non-fiction of some kind. In a bookstore it would go in the memoir section, I’m sure – but it’s so much more than that.
I’m aware that when one decides to follow a book reviewing blog, they don’t expect the posts to start turning into self-aware sob stories. However, I cannot fully digest a book without it becoming part of me and my psyche and putting a little bit of pressure on my world view and myself.
When I read Eat, Pray, Love a few years ago, you may or may not remember my indignation. I was so irritated. This woman was so flippant! How dare she walk out on her marriage and go gallivanting and call that spiritual growth! I loved Gilbert’s writing style, I loved her way with words, but all I could think was, “What a selfish whore.”
That was unfair. I see that.
I’m reading Committed now. A friend had told me Gilbert would redeem herself in my eyes in this book. I was skeptical. How could I ever see eye to eye with this woman?
But that’s the thing. I don’t see eye to eye with her. But now, I’m ok with that. Not because of this book, though, I’m sure that helps; but because of me. I’ve come to realize some things about myself in the very short time that it has been 2014.
I have a very intense moral code. So intense, it is probably filled with much higher expectations for life than is humanly obtainable. Stepping outside of this moral code in the past has left me trembling. It terrifies me, because, simply:
I fall short. It is impossible to live up to it.
I expect others to live up to it. If we all strive to live up to it then maybe we can have a chance in hell of making it.
We don’t.
I see this now.
Yes, that makes me a hypocrite, I suppose. Often.
Yes, that means that deep down I hate myself for not being able to live up to my beliefs. Even saying this is in contradiction with my beliefs… I believe the whole bible to be true and even the bible says that we all fall short of the glory of God. I believe in being a strong, independent, secure human. Both of those things are in contradiction with me hating myself for falling short.
You see, it’s not just me being unforgiving of others. I am completely unforgiving with myself too. Especially when what I perceive as truth, and what I believe is right, is the polar opposite of what I want.
I was taught that my wants were frivolous nuisances to be disregarded. Bury them. Pretend they’re not there. Doing what you *should* do is far more important than doing what you want. Wants are things that destroy people, families, cities, empires. Look at history – use your brain. Don’t feel, use logic.
Somewhere in that teaching, there’s a logical fallacy. Like Gilbert’s ice cream purchases correlating with drownings example – which made me laugh out loud. (Statistically where there are higher ice cream purchases, there are more drownings. Obviously, this does not mean that buying ice cream will increase your chance of drowning yourself, that would be a logical fallacy – yet, that’s exactly the kind of logic that has been ingrained in me.)
Now, 10 days away from 30, I feel a strong urge to fix this problem.
This is not something that can be fixed in 10 days.
Shockingly, despite my looming 10 day notice, I find myself a little at peace while reading Elizabeth Gilbert – author whose views I have previously found revolting – has spent page after page talking about forgiveness.
Things I have always been really cranky about – HOW does someone behave THAT way – she spells out. Instead of just saying, “It happens,” she takes great descriptive pains that only an eloquent writer could take to tell me how. To explain. Pages 108-110 left me in tears. Finally, I see why people have been so angered by my judgement. Finally, I see why I have no right to judge.
I was wrong. I’m sorry.
I’m not sure how this will effect my future decisions. But at least I can start to not hate myself, whatever they might be. Yay for mid-life crisis number two (and I’m not even mid-life yet, am I?).
I’m not finished reading yet, but I’m sure I will be soon. I have so much to say and think about this book and there will be a second post on it in the future.
Scoffing No More
Title: Codependent No More
Author: Melody Beattie
Publisher: Hazelden
Genre: Self Help/ Addiction & Recovery
Length: 250 pages
When I worked in the bookstore full time, shelving, there was a brief few months that I ran the psychology section. I had become territorial over the fiction/literature section – my dream job if I’m to be honest with the world, despite the simplicity that infers – and this was an exercise my boss had to help me let go. To learn something out of my comfort zone. The psychology section was waaaaaaaay out of my comfort zone.
Being raised a Christian, there were some very un-Christ-like biases and stigmas surrounding that section. These biases were mostly self-righteous scoffing. Especially towards titles exactly like Codependent No More. I remember thinking, people should just stop being selfish whores and everything would be fine in the world.
Pretty sure, in hindsight, this was some very codependent thinking.
Whether you are a traditional codependent tied to a substance abuser in some way, an author looking for some insight into people and character development, or simply a breathing human – this book should be read. It opens your eyes to problems you might not know you have. It opens your eyes to problems I’m sure someone you know has – even if that someone is a psycho you wrote off ages ago.
Whatever your situation, whoever your person, this book is about peace. This book is about calming the anxiety and the panic and the anger issues. I wish I had read it much sooner rather than scoffing at it on the shelf.
Still Life
Title: Still Life With Insects
Author: Brian Kiteley
Publisher: Ticknor & Fields
Genre: Fiction
Length: 114 pages
“The narrator in this lovely novel may have set some kind of record for the longest, sweetest, fastest life ever lived. There are books twice as long as this one that do not tell us half as much about life’s wonder.” – Rick Bass
The thoughts I shared on Goodreads:
1. There are more reviews of this book under a misspelling of the author’s name. I have a first edition hardback from 1989 and wanted to honor the by line with the spelling that matched my book. So no, I did not read the e-book, but I do recommend purchasing it if you have an ereader.
2. I love his style. I will re-read this book because I feel like I should think it is amazing, but at this point in time with my first reading, I just liked it a lot. I think my amazement will come with another read through.
3. Something about the story Kiteley chose to tell reminds me of John Banville’s The Sea. The Sea won a Man Booker Prize and Banville is incredible. This should tell you something about Kiteley that (though an great writer in his own right) I will be filing him away on the same side of my brain.
Things I wanted to share here:
1. I’m really pleased with my first edition hardback. It was purchased for me as a gift by the wonderful Miss Golightly who I took shopping at Good Books in the Woods. I thought it was shockingly appropriate that they had so many first editions of Still Life With Insects, given the woodsy vibe of the whole store.
2. I look forward to collecting more of Kiteley’s work and I’d love to take a creative writing class under his teaching. I’ve been an aspiring novelist my whole life. I have my own novella currently out and a publisher wanting my next pieces. I’ve never taken a creative writing class and given the flaws in my novella, I think I would benefit from one greatly.
3. I’d love to re-read this book, as I stated in my Goodreads notation, but I’d love to read it for a book club. I think it would be well served in a group discussion among friends.
Histories and Education
In my pursuit for knowledge, and for schooling my own child, I have been pretty diligent about reading as much history as I have the mental capacity to remember. That means I read at least one non-fiction book a month (whether history or not) and I include one non-fiction book per quarter in the Half Price Books Humble Book Club line up.
This quarter we’re planning to discuss Herodotus’ Histories in March. (We meet the first Monday of the Month at 7:30 pm.) This isn’t just a fascinating work to read for book club, it was also on my life long list of books to read before I die. It’s a tome; but it’s important, I think.
Not only is it important, I have a pretty awesome copy (The Landmark Herodotus
So as I make my way through this book, that could serve as a book press for other books if I ever needed it to, I will share with you the gathered notes of our club members:
THE HISTORY OF HERODOTUS
(Notes provided by Glenn Ray)
Book 1 CLIO
Below are the important kings and many of their exploits from book 1 ‘CLIO’. There are 9 books in all.
The ‘¶’ below is used to represent chapter #’s in this book.
A vertical line ‘|’ on a row by itself means next person down is child of this king.
NOTE: Where there is not a ¶ starting the line, then these are mostly from Wikipedia.
Below are 3 lines of kings, not all ancestral succession:
-
Lydia (modern day western Turkey) kings: Gyges, Ardys, Sadyattes, Alyattes, Croesus
-
Mede/Persian kings: Deioces, …Cyaxares, Astyages, Cyrus the Great, … Tomyris of Massagetae (not Mede or Persian) …
-
Darius I
Gyges
(¶8 Candaules was king of Sardis & Lydia before Gyges,
& his favorite spearmen was Gyges;
Candaules shows Gyges his wife (Nyssia) naked)
(¶11,12, 13 Gyges, at Nyssia’s command, kills Candaules, becomes king; but
that vengeance for the Heracleidai (descendants of Heracles (Hercules)) will come upon the descendants of Gyges in the fifth generation [that being Croesus below].)
(Gyges reigned from 716 BC to 678 BC (or from c. 680–644 BC).)
(¶14 led an army against Miletus)
|
Ardys
(Ardys II or Ardysus II) 678-629 BC (or 644-c.625)
(¶15 became king of Lydia; and continues daddy’s fight against Miletus)
|
Sadyattes
(629-617 BC (or c.625-c.600))
(¶16 became king of Lydia for 12 years; made war vs Cyaxares – king of Medes)
(¶18 and continues daddy’s fight against Miletus)
|
Alyattes
king of Lydia (619–560 BC)
(capital Sardis, & controlled all Asia Minor west of the River Halys, except Lycia.)
(fought against Cyaxares – king of Media, during the Battle of Halys, /wikipedia)
(¶18 and continues daddy’s fight against Miletus)
(¶25 reigned 75 years)
|
Croesus (pronounced ‘KREE-sus’)
(GLR: some info below is from: http://www.ancient.eu.com/croesus/)
King of Lydia 560-547 BC (palace of Croesus was at Sardis.)
(GLR: Croesus, you will see, is one mean grandpa)
(funded construction of the great Temple of Artemis at Ephesus, one of the Seven Wonders of the ancient world. / http://www.ancient.eu.com/croesus/)
(¶30 asks Solon who is happiest).
(Solon was an Athenian statesman, lawmaker, and poet)
(¶53 Croesus is also famous for asking the Oracle at Delphi whether he should go to war against Persia. And… destroy a great empire)
(¶55 Croesus consulted the Oracle & was told …a mule of the Medes shall be monarch…)
(¶69 alliance with the Lacedemonians)
(¶73 marching into Cappadokia to fight Cyrus, who to avenge his brother-in-law Astyages (who was defeated by Cyrus)
(¶79 Croesus’ horses feared the camels of Cyrus and ran.)
(¶84 Cyrus’ man Hyroiades scaled the wall of the citadel at Sardis and Croesus is defeated)
(¶86-7 Croesus in the Pyre)
(¶91 Croesus learns the mule = Cyrus)
Deïokes (or Deioces)
(In the late 8th century BC)
(¶96 – was the first king of the Medes per Herodotus.
(¶97…his decisions proved to be according to the truth)
|
Phraortes
king of Media 665 – 633 BC)
(Phraortes started wars against Assyria, but was defeated
and killed by Ashurbanipal, the king of Neo-Assyria.)
|
Cyaxares [or Kyaxares in Gutenberg version]
king of Media 625–585 BC)
(¶73 Scythians serve Cyaxares human meat, and Scythians runaway to Alyattes at Sardis for protection)
|
Astyages
(king of Media 585 BC-550 BC)
(ruled in alliance with his two brothers-in-law, Croesus king of Lydia
and Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon, whose wife, Amytis, Astyages’ sister,
was the queen for whom Nebuchadnezzar was said to have built the Hanging Gardens of Babylon)
(¶108 dream abo vine from Mandane; ordered Harpagos to kill grandson [Cyrus])
(¶118, 119 Astyages serves Harpagos his own son)
(Bible xref: Daniel 13:65(1). (1)This is per the “Douay-Rheims 1899 American Edition” of the Bible, note the KJV stops at chapter 12.)
|
¶107 Daughter – Mandane married Cambyses from Persia
|
Cyrus the Great,
king of Persia, 600 BC or 576 BC–530 BC
(¶55, 56 & 91 Cyrus is the mule)
(Bible xref: 2 Chron 36:22-33; Ezra 1:1-8, 3:7; 4:3,5; 5:13-17, 6:3,14, Isaiah 44:28, 45:1,13; Daniel 1:21, 6:28, 10:1,
and 1 Esdras 2. [Note: Church councils rejected 1 and 2 Esdras as non-canonical])
(was the monarch under whom the Israelites Babylonian captivity ended / Wikipedia)
(was prompted by God to make a decree that the Temple in Jerusalem should be rebuilt / Wikipedia)
(¶79 Cyrus uses camels against Croesus’ horses (horses fear the camels and ran.)
(¶84 Cyrus’ man Hyroiades scaled the wall of the citadel at Sardis and Croesus is defeated)
(¶141 Cyrus spoke fable to the Ionians and Aiolians, piper played for the fishes in the sea)
(¶155-156 Cyrus takes on his mean grandpa Croesus [who multiple times tried killing Cyrus] as closest councilor)
(¶178-183 Cyrus plans & does to conquer Assyria & Babylon; Describes city of Babylon)
(¶205 Cyrus attempts to conquer Massagetae & their queen Tomyris)
(¶209 Cyrus dreamed Dareios/Darius would attempt to over throw him)
(¶211, captures 1/3 of her army & son Spargapises sleeping)
(¶213 -214, After Tomyris’ son, commits suicide, she defeats & kills Cyrus & give thee thy fill of blood.)
(¶216, Massagetae custom: when a man becomes very old, he is slaughtered, flesh boiled and the family banquet upon it.)
Darius I 550–486 BC
the third king of the Persian Achaemenid Empire
(Reigned 522 BC to 486 BC (36 years))
(Darius is mentioned in the Biblical books of Ezra, Nehemiah, Daniel, Haggai, and Zechariah.)
(¶187 Darius attempts to rob Babylon Queen Nitocris’ grave)
(¶199. Now the most shameful of the customs of the Babylonians…)
More notes to come as we progress through our reading
. And when I’m done with Herodotus, I plan to conquer Xenophon…
I’ll keep you posted.
In the meantime, I challenge everyone to pick up any ancient history book and learn something about the world they didn’t know before this year. The most fascinating thing to me about it all is that, even though civilizations change and grow and change and grow… people essentially, are always – at their core – pretty much the same. I love learning about the world today through the eyes of our past.
A Shropshire Morning
Title: A Shropshire Lad
Author: A.E. Housman
Publisher: Penguin (Classics)
Genre: Poetry (English Journeys)
I know I just posted on this very same title yesterday, but I’ve been reading through it over my morning coffee on this cold, rainy day, and I couldn’t keep myself from sharing the best parts.
| A. E. Housman (1859–1936). A Shropshire Lad. 1896. |
| XLVIII. Be still, my soul, be still |
This melted me to my core. Melted me into a state of beautiful stillness, and I couldn’t keep that to myself. It’s so calming, so true, and so utterly gorgeous.
Not just for his poetry itself, Housman is inspiring because his work is so good and back in 1896 he was essentially self-published. Publishers turned this beautiful work down over and over again until finally he decided to publish the title at his own expense. Originally he wanted to call it The Poems of Terrence Hearsay, but was encouraged to change it. Sales lagged until about 1899 when the Second Boer War broke out and profits have surged for Housman’s work during every time of war since – especially World War I. Though this surprised the poet, it is not surprising to me… the entire work is about loss. There is much solace in reading about loss when you have lost or anticipate it soon.
Don’t be surprised if Housman is revisited often on this blog.
Shropshire Lasses (and dog)
Title:A Shropshire Lad
Author: A.E. Housman
Publisher: Penguin (Classics)
Genre: Poetry (English Journeys)
A few years ago I became completely hooked on the Penguin Great Ideas series. I think they’re wonderful pocket sized source documents to keep around the house. I also love the Great Journeys… and now, I have a small collection of English Journeys as well.
The kiddo and I love scampering through the woods. We also love reading outside. These little paperbacks are the perfect books to tag along for our wooded adventures and frolics in the park.
Not to mention that, today, I think Housman became my favorite male poet – a title previously held by William Carlos Williams. The two are nothing alike. But I am nothing like who I was when William Carlos Williams was awarded his place on my mental pedestal.
Where William Carlos Williams amused me with “This is Just to Say”:
I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the iceboxand which
you were probably
saving
for breakfastForgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold
I was in middle school when I discovered this. For some reason I found this bluntness endearing. I thought, “What a wonderful jerk to address poetry with such sarcasm.”
I don’t want poetry to be sarcastic anymore. I don’t appreciate the uncaring witticism the same way.
I do, however, love this:
Oh, when I was in love with you,
Then I was clean and brave,
And miles around the wonder grew
How well did I behave.And now the fancy passes by,
And nothing will remain,
And miles around they’ll say that I
Am quite myself again– “A Shropshire Lad: XVIII”
Ok, well, it seems it’s always the jerk lines that appeal to me. But at least it’s not about stealing plums anymore. Housman has real heart and soul as he describes landscapes and lovers, crickets and dead soldiers, the woods and the very real feelings of longing for something that has gone. All so beautiful and natural; and the pattern in which he writes lends itself to easily reading it aloud outdoors while the kiddo plays.
The dog seemed to enjoy it too. He stopped to look at me every time a poem ended as though I was denying him the chance to be included in the written word of humans.
The Bridge of San Luis Rey
Title: The Bridge of San Luis Rey
Author: Thornton Wilder
Illustrator: Jean Charlot
Publisher: Heritage Press
I didn’t care for Wilder’s work. It didn’t capture me. It left me pretty uninterested. I just wasn’t feeling it. I was, however, feeling the edition.
I read from the Heritage Press edition. Beautiful blue cover, fine blue buckram boards with gold. I love reading books on acid free paper and I really enjoyed the color lithographs.
Lithograph illustrations are gorgeous in general and Jean Charlot’s work was the most enjoyable part of this title to me – aside from a few lovely quotes. There’s no denying that Wilder has a way with words.
“She had a new way of fingering a wine-glass, of exchanging an adieu, a new way of entertaining a door that told everything.” – pg. 97
Monday, Half Price Books in Humble will be hosting a book club meeting. It starts at 7:30 pm and we’ll be discussing this title. It’s fairly short, only 137 pages long, and can be read quickly if you’re interested. I’d love to hear from people who are passionate about this title – always curious to know what makes something classic to the world that simply didn’t move me. After all, it won the Pulitzer in 1928.
Anakalian Whims 